


You Were The Only One

by zonerunner



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-21 19:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11950782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zonerunner/pseuds/zonerunner
Summary: "I always told myself I didn't care about anyone - caring meaning they weren't tying me to this world, making me realise that life was worth living if they were in it. And for a long time, that was true. But over time, I came to realise that you... you were the only one."





	You Were The Only One

“Patton…”

Virgil didn’t know how to begin. How could he possibly put his thoughts into words? It seemed impossible.

“I remember the first time you brought something like this up. We were 17, just kids really. It seems so long ago now. I remember you came up to me one day asked me why I’d been so different recently, so sad. You asked if everything was okay, and I told you it was. You didn’t really believe me, though. Do you remember that?”

Virgil continued, not stopping to wait for a response. “I remember how you’d always stay with me on the worst nights. How you’d sneak out of your house to be with me, no matter what the consequences might be. You’d tell me that I wasn’t worthless, or uncared for. You’d tell me that I mattered, and god damn it, I believed you. Whenever you’d say that to me, I believed you, even if only for a fleeting moment.

“We grew up together, but at some point, I fell away from you, and you’ve always done your utmost to bring me back; you’ve always tried to bring back the happy person I once was…” Virgil stopped for a moment, staring at the ground, taking a deep breath to compose himself. “I’m sorry that I’ve failed you for so long. I truly did believe I was an awful person, and that I didn’t matter. I always accepted it as a fact that no one truly cared about me… and then when we were 20, you asked me out. Remember that, Patton?” He allowed himself a small smile, the memory of that day shining golden with joy in his mind, a tiny pinprick of light in the darkness that threatened to swallow him whole. “I didn’t believe you at first; I thought you were playing a joke on me. But you promised you weren’t, and you said you’d liked me for so long, and I said yes, because I really did like you too.

“You’d think that dating the boy of your dreams would be enough to make anyone happy, wouldn’t you?” Virgil sighed, shakily. “I wish that were true. I wish I’d just been able to get over myself, to be the normal, happy boyfriend you deserved, but I just couldn’t. And you don’t know how much I regret that.

“Remember when you first saw… when you first saw my cuts? That was the first time you ever yelled at me. You weren’t mad at me, although I thought you were at first. You yelled at me to please stop, that I didn’t deserve this, that I was beautiful and amazing and strong… and I couldn’t do the simplest thing and believe you.”

Virgil swallowed the rising lump in his throat, still staring at his feet, and ran a hand through his already dishevelled hair. “Damn it, Patton, I never believed you. I just wasn’t good enough, I knew that. But you know what? I cared about you more than you cared about me. Fuck it, I was head-over-heels in love with my childhood best friend. And I’m so, so angry at myself… because I cared about you so much, yet I didn’t even dream that anything like this might happen.

“You know, I don’t really care about anyone. I never have, you know that. My parents are dicks, I have only one friend… and that’s you. You, Patton Sanders, are the light in the suffocating darkness of my life, the only thing in this terrible world that puts a glimmer of hope in my heart. You’re brilliant… goddamn it, you know I don’t do heartfelt speeches, but I’m going to, because it’s you.

“You… you have eyes that sparkle with joy, you’re the funniest, kindest, most empathetic person I’ve ever had the honour of knowing. You deserve the world, you really do. You’re just… you’re just so fucking perfect, I hope you know that. You’re so caring, so brilliant… I can’t do you justice with words. You’re a star of a person, and I just… I love you so, so much…”

Virgil’s voice broke, and he trailed off, wet eyes glinting in the dying sunlight. “I always thought you were so empathetic. That’s one of the things I love most about you, you know? Whenever you were trying to comfort me, I always thought how compassionately you talked, how you seemed to know so much about suicidal thoughts, about self-harm, about all the shit I was going through, and for the longest time, I thought it was simply because, as my boyfriend, you were forced to put up with me… I guess I was wrong. I know why now.”

Virgil made no effort to stop the tears that rolled freely down his cheeks. “How could you do it, Patton? You always seemed so happy… I guess you were just really good at putting on an act. You were so hell-bent on making sure everyone around you was happy, so hell-bent on  _saving_ me… but you couldn’t save yourself.

“I wish you’d said something. I wish I’d noticed.  Fucking hell, Patton, why couldn’t I help you, like you helped me? I should have done something,  _anything_. You pulled me up from the ground, replaced my longing for death with a longing for a future with you. I  _loved_  you. How could someone who seemed so happy be so sad?

“Like I said, I always told myself that I didn’t care about anyone. I told myself I had no one who made life worth living just by being in it. It was so much easier to not have anything tying me to my life - that way, I'd have no regrets if I decided to end it. And for a long time, that was true. I didn't truly care about anyone. But over time, I came to realise that you…

“You were the only one.”

Overwhelmed by pure despair, Virgil sobbed, and looked up for the first time, at the grey stone that was Virgil’s very undoing. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out something he’d had for a long time: a small, black box. He opened it to reveal what was, in a way, a symbol of what had kept him going for so long. It was a symbol of his recovery, of just how deeply he’d fallen in love, and of the future he’d so wanted to share with the only person in his life that mattered.  _Had_  mattered. The golden memories of the beautiful years he’d shared with Patton were now stained blue-black, and brought him nothing but pain. He had nothing left anymore.

Virgil knelt down, taking the ring that had given him so much hope and placing it carefully by the foot of the gravestone. “Patton Sanders…” Virgil’s whisper was barely audible, even to his own ears. “I love you.”

Resting his forehead against the cold stone, Virgil let his sadness overcome him, sobs racking his body. Virgil cried for a long time. He cried for the life cut far too short, for the hopeful future lost; he cried for all the times he’d hugged Patton, for the feeling of his warm body - safe, loved, home. He cried for the five-year-old who had smiled at Virgil, for the kids who grew up together, for the fourteen-year-old who had admitted that Virgil wasn’t the only one into boys. He cried for the seventeen-year-old who had noticed the beginning of Virgil’s downward spiral, for the twenty-year old who had asked him, very shyly, if he would like to go see a movie together some time. Virgil cried for the twenty-two-year-old who had begged his boyfriend to stop hurting himself, and for the twenty-three-year-old who had come home to see his boyfriend lying motionless in bed, an empty bottle of pills and a heartfelt note on the table beside him.

Virgil cried for the man who had been in such a hopeless state, yet had acted as though it was nothing. He cried for the man who had been so brave, so compassionate, who had put the needs of others far in front of his own. He cried for the man who must have been going through so much, but never said a word to anyone. He cried for the man who meant so much, who was so, so important, but couldn’t see that.

Above all, Virgil cried for the beautiful, complex,  _perfect_  human being that was Patton Sanders, and from that day forwards, he never quite stopped.


End file.
